WHO AM I?
I am not a real daughter, that’s a common joke in our family since I am the only one who got Vietcong eyes. Moreover, I was the plain jane in a home of aphrodites.
Mama said that it brought me to tears back then. I felt like I was Emang, the kampanera girl but I don’t have a magical candle and my siblings are not mean rather it was me.
All the curses are fallen into me. It sucks! Char!
And there, my inferiority complex was born.
“Ahak, basig superiority complex jud na!” Michelle was commented.
Jeez, I always received this rather unpleasant reaction from everybody.
Most of the times, I’m branded as an arrogant, self-centered, feeling-bright, feeling kama-u, feeling gwapa bitch. And that’s true, I am.
But the question is what drives me to be one. Back to my inferiority complex.
This anxiety worsened when my parents always compared me with Angie, my cousin. She is everything that I am not---beautiful, buotan and intelligent. Everything. She is everyone’s favorite. And it hurts. But I didn’t hate her, I was just envious… If Jona is just like Angie, everybody would surely love her. Kids stuff, you know.
Back then, I joined clubs, contests just to attest that I am not a coward. There was a time when I declaimed in front of everybody; my performance was good, said my adviser. But right after my performance, I got a fever due to the accumulated tension which my body can’t hold anymore so I ended having a three-day fever.
I really wanted to overcome such stupid thing but the process was too degrading, too humiliating, and too painful.
If you were a weakling, did you want somebody to know that you are? I guessed not. So, I molded the robust Jona. The bitchy Jona is born.
Why will I bow down when I can hold my head up when I passed a couple of guys staring at me ( I’m just paranoid, I know they are not. Ugh!) At the back of my head, I know they’re scrutinizing me. And then I dwelt myself in self pity… grrrrrrr…
I diverted my attention. I wanted to learn a lot of things----trying my luck in photography, filmmaking, writing, designing clothes, photo editing and stuffs.
Last meeting, Betchie read my Who-Am-I work. And she said, I want to learn them because they are my passions. You were wrong Chai, what I really wanted is to find my worth, my niche. And arts are allies in finding it.
I want to show to the world, to my family, to my relatives that Jona can do a lot of things. That Jona is better than her siblings, than Angie.
And now, my sisters fill their tummy with a lot of carbon dioxide. And they haven’t finished their missions yet! Fuck! And their missions? To have our home a house of its own; to make me finish my studies.
And their missions are now in mine… I will be an old maid!!! Hope not!!! Hahaha…
And now, I’m irritated not because they are more beautiful than me but because they don’t know how to keep their pledge. The irony of it.
And now it’s Mama who nagkandakuba to make me finish my studies. I’m looking for some job! So badly!!! Any vacancy??? Just give me a message…
I don’t care with that inferiority complex thingy what matter most, I know who I am.
I know I eat peanuts but I hate peanut butter…Why? Coz there is some butter on it! Simple logic! Lol! I know what I can do and do what I can’t. I know how maldita I am and how maldita I can get. I know I tend to lose control with my tongue and it is not good. Sometimes, it is, especially dealing with people like Louie! Lol!
I know I already found my magical candle…
---jo^h
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